The Shit's Creek Solution

The Challenge:

Unexpected summer flooding is occurring in Wyoming and the Federal Government has not so much as noticed much less provided help of any kind.  At a press conference Marsha Peabody, a Reporter with VPNN, (Veritas & Probitas News Network - Truth & Honesty News Network) raised the question of what and when did FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) intend to do something for the self-sufficient citizens of Wyoming?  In a heated exchange the President asked Ms. Peabody to be more specific and at one point simply shouted out “What’s the problem Marsha? What kind of trouble can these people be in?”

Obviously frustrated by the President’s lack of either knowledge of the crisis or any empathy for the brave and self-reliant men and women of Wyoming shouted back, “Mr. President, tens of thousands of Americans in Wyoming are up shit’s creek without a paddle, what are you an FEMA going to do for them?”
President Saji answered, “I’ll take care of it Ms. Peabody. Next question.”

 

 Sorosh’s Solution:

Immediately on the conclusion of the press conference, President Sorosh Saji summoned the Director of FEMA to the Oval Office and shouted at the Director, “You have caused me embarrassment on national TV you idiot. Apparently there are tens of thousands of our citizens stranded on some creek in Wyoming. No backtalk from you now, I am the President! You are to see to it that one-hundred thousand paddles are delivered to these people on some place called Shit’s Creek in Wyoming. Got it? Now out of here and get that done with plenty of media coverage.”

The stunned Director of FEMA turned and left the Oval Office muttering to himself.

Another great solution from Sorosh Saji

President Extraordinaire!

The Goat Poop Solution

The Challenge:

The lawnmowers that trim the grass on the White House Great Lawn have broken down irreparably, having been bought during the Carter years.  New ones must be bought but due to the lengthy Government purchasing procedures, they will not be delivered until December 22, the day after winter begins.  The grass will be a foot tall by August 30.

The Master Grounds Keeper, fearing the wrath of President Sorosh Saji decides to approach him directly for a solution.

 

 Sorosh’s Solution:

“Let us examine the problem from all sides,” says President Sorosh Saji.

“The mowers cost money and we must save money!  The mowers use gas and we must save gas!

“The mowers breakdown thus we must hire a mechanic to care for them and we must shrink the number of government employees!

“I have it!  Order fifty goats!

“They will eat the grass, they will eat the trash the tourists throw on the lawn and best of all, the place will stink of goat poop which will keep the damn protesters away.”

Another great solution from Sorosh Saji

President Extraordinaire!

March 18, 2012 – What Would Sorosh Do?

Today’s topic was inspired by an article the author received via one of the many feeds he subscribes to.  If this particular post were given a title it would be ‘Campaign Contributions – Don’t believe anything you hear or see’.

For more on the real story that prompted this segment be sure to read the ‘Author’s Notes’ immediately following the Sorosh Saji interview.

What Would Sorosh Do?
Produced with permission of VPNN

March 18, 2012

Marsha Peabody – Reporter with VPNN
Veritas & ProbitasNews Network (Truth & Honesty News Network)

“Good morning loyal viewers.  Because of the nature of today’s interview, it is being held in the studios of VPNN.  The President is due to arrive shortly but before his entrance, my producers and I thought it would be wise to give you a heads up.

“President Saji and his staff think the topic is ‘China, our new Best Friend Forever’, it’s not!

“The topic will concentrate on anomalies uncovered in over $135 million in contributions that the President’s 2012 campaign has received from an army of ‘common folk followers’ as he chooses to refer to them.

“We are giving you advanced knowledge of this ‘bait and switch’ tactic on our part since it is quite possible the President may choose to end the interview and leave.

“I am getting the sign from both my producer and the program director that President Saji is on his way into the studio.  Please stay tuned.”

Marsha Peabody

As a smiling, President Sorosh Saji enters the set and takes a seat at the small table Marsha greets him.
“Good morning Mr. President, thank you for coming all this way for our weekly interview.”

Sorosh Saji – President of the United States

“Good morning Marsha, it is always a pleasure to see you each Sunday.  As for the trip, you do remember, I am the president so it’s easy, you know, helicopter to Air Force One to helicopter to your roof.  Hell it’s easier than going to church, which is why I don’t go to church, ha ha.

“Besides, I welcome any opportunity to discuss the huge progress I’ve made in getting the Chinese to view us as their best buddies.”

Marsha Peabody

“I am glad you brought up the proposed topic Mr. President.  Our producer has received a number of e-mails and telephone calls from people around the country regarding certain inconsistencies in the latest reports on your quite successful campaign fundraising.

“It would appear…”

Sorosh Saji

President Sorosh Saji starts frantically looking about the set.  His staff has left the studio invited by a group of male and female models to join them in a sumptuous breakfast coupled with Mimosas and Bloody Marys.  Almost screaming he turns to Marsha and angrily says,
“What do you mean ‘proposed topic’?  You have changed the topic to discuss my campaign fundraising?  I have staff to deal with that, I just go and spend what is necessary to get me reelected.

“I told you that since I spilled my guts to you on the plane from Sedona, Arizona to Palm Beach, Florida and you broadcast it to the world on February 12, there were to be no more surprises.  You are to give my staff the topic a week in advance so they may prepare my responses and play them into my earpiece as the interview progresses.
“Not only are you ambushing me with an unexpected topic but somehow you have made my entire staff vanish.”

Marsha Peabody

“Calm down Mr. President!  We have done nothing to make your staff vanish and the topic is one that you are probably more familiar with than any of your staff.
“In the conversation aired February 12 you indicated that, and I quote, ‘I had learned from my mentor the secret of winning elections; have more money than any other candidate and use any means at your disposal to get rid of the other candidates’.

“You further indicated in that conversation that two people and their global enterprises provided most if not all of the funding for every one of your political campaigns.  You went on to tell me that these enterprises centered on the sale of drugs and arms.

“Mr. President, you indicated at your recent campaign speech in Wisconsin that you’re campaign is being funded by, and I quote you, ‘the common folk’.

“Which is it Mr. President, the two drugs and arms tycoons or lots of common folk?”

Sorosh Saji

“It is the common folk of course.  I am the president of everyman and that is who is sending in their small contributions.  They send what they can to assure the candidate who fights for their needs will win another four-year term.  The average contribution of my supporters is five dollars.  Some give seven, some give three but the average is five dollars.”

Marsha Peabody

“Mr. President, according to the data provided by the Federal Election Commission, since April 2011 you have raised over $135 million at five bucks per contributor that says you have over 27 million contributors, is that correct.?”

Sorosh Saji

“If that is what the Federal Election Commission says, it must be so.”

Marsha Peabody

“Well Mr. President, I’m sure you don’t mind but we obtained the data supporting the contention that over 27 million Americans contributed a maximum of five dollars apiece to your 2012 campaign.

“President Saji, we found some serious issues with the data.”

Sorosh Saji

“Like?”

Marsha Peabody

“To list a few:

• 37,653 Paul Reveres, Number 12 Midnight Lane, Boston, MA
• 42,786 Donald Ducks, The Pond, Hollywood, CA
• 153,587 Peter Rabbits, Hole In the Ground Road, Cabbage Patch, OH.

“Shall I continue Mr. President?”

Sorosh Saji

“I don’t understand the problem.”  Once again President Saji began to look frantically for his staff.

Marsha Peabody

“You don’t understand the problem?  Do you really think these are actual people making bona fide contributions of five bucks apiece?

“It appears more like someone is breaking down large illegal contributions into tens of thousands of small contributions from fictitious small contributors.”

Sorosh Saji

“Marsha, are you accusing me or the Federal Election Commission of carrying on this fraud?”

Marsha Peabody

“Actually I would say that the guilt rests equally with your unidentified two people and their global enterprises for giving the funds, the Federal Election Commissionfor adding credibility and you for closing your eyes to the fraud.”

Sorosh Saji

President Sorosh Saji looking angrily about the studio pulled the earpiece from his ear and finding no one jumped up from the chair and shouted, “This interview is over and furthermore Ms. Peabody, this series is over.  I will not be ambushed with embarrassing questions when I have no staff to provide answers.

“I’m out of here.”

With that announcement, President Sorosh Saji stomped off the set, lighting a cigarette and screaming for his staff using a great deal of obscenity.

Marsha Peabody

“You can’t say I didn’t warn everyone that this may happen.

“Now as to the series being over, I don’t think so, give this actor wannabe president the opportunity to get in front of a microphone or camera and he’ll be there, even if you are going to throw pies at him.

“Until next week when President Sorosh Saji and yours truly will be back, same time, same place, this is Marsha Peabody, investigative reporter signing off for VPNN.”

Author’s Notes

I decided to write this post after receiving a conservative news piece that referred me to the internet pages of the Federal Election Commission (FEC).  Contained therein is a great deal of information concerning election law, fundraising rules, etc.

Those of you who know me or have read my biography will remember that I started my long career as an accountant and evolved into the use of technology in that profession.

The item that jumped out at me from the pages of the FEC site was financial/accounting so I decided to download the details of the 292,400 individual contributions received by Mr. Obama’s campaign between April 4, 2011 and January 31, 2012.

I converted the data to a database format that would permit me to do analysis and ‘ask questions’.  From there my over the top, genetic curiosity took over.

I will not bury you in what I discovered; I will simply point out the two overwhelming data discoveries that prompted the topic for this week’s interview.

1. The 292,400 individual contributions which is the statistic that will be quoted by the Obama Campaign from now to November 6, 2012, particularly as it grows, is actually the contributions of 107,206 individuals who have made multiple contributions, as many as six on the same day.
2. That discovery led me to do another analysis driven by a very specific FEC Rule, Under Federal law; individuals may contribute a maximum of $2,500 per election to each candidate.
   Of the 107,206 individuals, 6,803 contributed more than the permitted $2,500, however breaking those contributions down into as many as 6 contributions on the same day, each at the limit of $2,500.  The total these 6,803 generous followers of His Grace, Barack Obama, contributed, $36,235,144.56

I hope you enjoyed today’s interview and will continue to follow ‘What Would Sorosh Do’ through November 4, 2012 (and possibly beyond).

If you would like to learn more about Sorosh Saji, his puppeteers and the havoc they all caused you might want to take a look at my third novel, Nikita.

Thank you for following,

G. Hugh Bodell

March 11, 2012 – What Would Sorosh Do?

What Would Sorosh Do?
Produced with permission of VPNN

March 11, 2012

Marsha Peabody – Reporter with VPNN

Veritas & ProbitasNews Network (Truth & Honesty News Network)

“Good morning viewers.  Unfortunately President Saji could not be with us today, he and the First Lady, Lucile, are entertaining the dictators of several mid-eastern countries this weekend.

“Be that as it may, we have a most interesting program planned.  We have been able to obtain through confidential channels the transcript of a telephone conversation the President had with Poopie, star of the reality show California Swamp.

“Since the publicity surrounding Poopie’s announcement of her expecting her first illegitimate child, celebrities from around the world have been calling with congratulations.  Not to be upstaged by mere movie stars and millionaires, on Thursday President Saji sat in the oval office and personally dialed Poopie’s cell phone.  For the record, we have not been able to ascertain how President Saji came to know Poopie’s cell phone number.

“Without further comment let’s go to President Sorosh Saji’s conversation with Poopie, star of the reality show California Swamp.

Sorosh Saji – President of the United States

“Good morning Poopie, this is Sorosh Saji, I am…”

Poopie, star of the reality show California Swamp

“Holy crap!  My god!  I know who you are President Saji.

Dropping the phone, Poopie can be heard shouting “Nookie, you’ll never friggin believe who’s on the friggin phone.  It’s the friggin President.  What?  Of the friggin United States, you friggin retard.  Yeah, Saji, Sorosh Saji.  What?  He said so.  What?  Oh yeah, I guess so.  I’ll ask him.”

Picking up the phone from the floor, Poopie shouts into it, “How do I know you’re the friggin President and not some dumbass wise guy from the Swamp just lookin to screw with me?”

Sorosh Saji

“Do you have Caller ID on your phone Poopie?”

Poopie

“Of course I have friggin caller ID.  Whaddaya think I’m some kind of loser?”

Sorosh Saji

“Well if you look at the Caller ID you will see ‘White House/OO’ which means I’m calling you from my private line in the Oval Office at the White House.”

Poopie

Holding the phone away from her face she shouts, “It’s him Nookie, it’s the friggin President and you won’t believe this but I now have the friggin telephone number of the friggin President’s private line in the Oval Office.”

Nookie cast member of the reality show California Swamp

Still shouting but apparently much closer now, “What’s the friggin Oval Office.”

Poopie

“Jeez Nookie, don’t you know nothing?  I’ll tell you later.

“Ehhh, Sorosh…I mean Mr. Sorosh…I mean, what the hell do I call you…and anyway why the frig are you callin me?”

Sorosh Saji

“Call me Mr. President or President Saji, as you know, I am the President.

“I am calling to congratulate you on being in a family way.  I understand you are expecting your first illegitimate child.

“I would like to congratulate you and the father on this gay occasion.”

Poopie

“Jeez Mr. President there are a bunch of things you got wrong.  I’d better straighten you out before we go any further.

“Is that OK Mr. President?”

Sorosh Saji

“Yes Poopie, go right ahead.”

Poopie

“First, this ain’t a gay occasion.  I know I’m straight and I figure the father, whoever the hell he is, is straight or why else would he have done me.

“Also, there ain’t nothing illegitimate about the kid.  It was all perfectly legal, I’m over eighteen and I think most of the guys I do are over eighteen so our doin it was all perfectly legitimate.

“Finally, I’ll be sure to pass on your congratulations tonight at the Swamp Hole to all the guys who could possibly be the father.”

Sorosh Saji

“You mean to say Miss Poopie…”

Poopie

“It’s just Poopie there Mr. President, not Miss Poopie, just Poopie”

Nookie could be heard laughing in the background.  “You shut up Nookie or I’ll beat the crap out of you when I’m finished with the President.”

Sorosh Saji

“You’re going to beat the crap out of me?”

Poopie

“No, no Mr. President, I’m going to beat the crap out of Nookie if she doesn’t stop laughing at me, after I finished talking to you.  Jeez, now where were we?”

Sorosh Saji

“I was about to ask if you really don’t know who the father is?”

Poopie

“Do you ever watch the friggin show there Prez baby?”

Sorosh Saji

“Yes, of course I watch the show, every week.  It is common knowledge around Washington and the Democratic Party in general that I love the show, but mostly I love Poopie and Nookie.”

Poopie

“Whatever Mr. Prez, anyway, if you watch the show you know that all of us are wasted most of the time on either booze or weed…or both and when we are not passed out or eating, we are screwing.  So no Mr. President, I have no idea who baby’s daddy is.

Sorosh Saji

“Well anyway Poopie, I just wanted you to know that the First Lady and I want to wish you the best in the coming months and we look forward to you sending us pictures soon after the delivery.”

Poopie

“Delivery Prez, what delivery?  Did you and the First Lady send me a present?  Oh, that is sooo sweet, what is it?  I can’t wait to see what kind of present the President of the United States sends pregnant people he loves.”

Sorosh Saji

“No Poopie, I am referring to the delivery of the new baby…its birth.  We didn’t send you a present.”

Poopie

Obviously seriously disappointed said, “That’s OK Prez, I’m sure you can’t send a present to every girl you love who gets knocked up.  But you know what President Saji, because you were so sweet to call me, if it’s a boy I am going to name him Sorosh and tell the world he is named after you.  In fact I will make it a scene on the show where I call you in the Oval Office on my cell phone from the hospital to tell you your little Sorosh has been born.”

Sorosh Saji

“Well Poopie, once again, congratulations.  I have to go now to a cabinet meeting to discuss what Lucile plans to grow in the White House garden this Spring.  Good bye.”

Shouting to his staff who were waiting outside the office door, “I want the telephone number of my private line in here changed…now!”

Marsha Peabody

“Well you heard it first here on VPNN.  We understand that President Saji has had that private number changed 63 times since taking office.  My staff is currently tracking down the transcripts of those 63 phone calls.  My producers think I have the makings of a multi-million dollar syndicated series in those calls.

“Until next week and the latest saga in the Presidency of Sorosh Saji this is Marsha Peabody signing off for VPNN.”

For more on Sorosh Saji

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March 4, 2012 – What Would Sorosh Do?

The Challenge

March 3, 2012

Washington, D.C.

President Saji agreed to an interview covering his personal telephone conversation with HenryVillage College’s famous nymphomaniac Tammy Tuna.

The following is a transcript of excerpts of specific questions and answers from that interview.

Produced with permission of VPNN

What Would Sorosh Do?

March 4, 2012

Ocean Globe Aquarium
St Augustine, Florida

Marsha Peabody – Reporter with VPNN

Veritas & Probitas News Network (Truth & Honesty News Network)

“Good morning Mr. President.  This magnificent aquarium is a beautiful setting for this morning’s interview.

“I noted that you insisted that the Walrus pool be used as the backdrop for the set, any specific reason?”

Sorosh Saji – President of the United States

“Good morning Marsha.  Yes, the Walrus pool background is part of a promise.  Last night I was in a conference call with my Secretary of State and the Minority Leader of the House and they ganged up on me.  They want me to open a welfare office in all 53 independent countries that consider themselves African Nations.”

Peabody

“What?  What for Mr. President.”

Sorosh Saji

“They inform me that these countries are very poor and their citizens need help so if they could avail themselves of our entitlement programs it would improve their standard of living materially.

“I told them that the Department of Health and Human Services was very advanced and that applications for entitlements need not be made in person.  All entitlement programs from food stamps to supplemental auto lease payments  and cell phone payments could now be made remotely via the internet.

“Recipients of entitlements under my administration need never show their faces and in fact could be drugged up and unconscious as long as someone would fill out the on-line application and hit enter.

“In thirty short days they would start receiving funds by direct deposit to their bank accounts.  Another advance since given their incapacitated state they would not have to get out of that bed to spend the money either.

“I thought that was a great solution and would more efficiently distribute our taxpayers money to people in obvious greater need than they are.”

Peabody

“President Saji, what has that to do with the Walruses in the background?”

Sorosh Saji

“What?  Oh sorry about that Marsha, I got off track doing a little bragging about my progressive policies and practices.

“Well the two of them called me an idiot and said these people don’t have food or shelter much less electricity, computers or the internet.  They screamed at me that we had to open offices in each of these 53 countries, brick and mortar…or I guess in this instance mud buildings for the people to go to and file for there entitlements.

“So after I hung up, by Executive Order, I gave a contract for two billion dollars to a Chinese construction company to build 212 offices for HHS in these countries, four in each of the 53 countries.”

Peabody

“I still don’t get the connection to the Walruses.”

Sorosh Saji

“Right!  Well after I issued the executive order I called them both back and said I was appreciative and in the spirit of my gratitude, I would have both their likenesses in the background this morning for my interview on VPNN.

“The closest thing in this aquarium to those dried up old hags is…you got it Marsha, Walruses.”

Peabody

“You do realize Mr. President that you just called your Secretary of State and the most powerful supporter of your agenda, in the House of Representatives, dried up old hags, on national television.

“Oh well, moving right along.

“Once again Mr. President the casual lead in question chewed up more time than expected so we will have to move rapidly into our topic of the day, ‘Your personal telephone conversation on Friday with HenryVillage College’s famous nymphomaniac Tammy Tuna.’

“There are many who believe your motive for calling Ms. Tammy Tuna was not at all related to her campaign to get taxpayers to pay for the apparatus needed for her apparently numerous sexual romps.

“It would appear that over 75% of the population believes that you wanted to see if you could get in on this woman’s marathon sexual activity, and that was the reason for the call.

“So my producers and I thought it would be a good idea if we gave you the remaining time of this Sunday’s segment to relate the conversation to our audience.

“What do you say Mr. President, tell us the erotic things you spoke to each other over the phone and let us in on what Tammy said she would do to you, and don’t leave out any of the juicy details.”

The producers were shouting in the background, "Marsha, we warned you, don’t lead the President!”

Sorosh Saji

“I can’t remember it word for word, but I can pretty much give you the gist of the conversation.

“It opened with my asking her if she actually had as many sexual encounters weekly as she stated in her testimony before congress.  You wouldn’t believe her answer, ‘Mr. President,’ she said, ‘the number I gave the congressman is about half my weekly average.  Hell I didn’t want them thinking I’m a whore, or anything like that.’

“I simply said ‘wow’ to which she responded with a giggle.  So, I asked her if her romps were with different partners or all with a single special someone.

“She pointed out that she preferred no repeats in any given week, and that she believed variety was the spice of life.

“Then Marsha, the big surprise came; she said that she would welcome me in her entourage of playmates this coming week.  She said that she lived alone off campus…well sometimes alone, and that she had an opening Wednesday afternoon at 2:30 if I’d like to drop by.  She then gave me the address, then gave a detailed description of what I could plan on happening on Wednesday afternoon and hung up.”

Peabody

“Mr. President, didn’t you discuss her involvement in campaigning for the birth control and abortion-on-demand mandate?  Did you find out how she came to be testifying before congress?

“She claimed before congress that she is 23 years old, yet our researchers have found that she is actually 30.  Did she tell you how old she was?”

Sorosh Saji

“My god Marsha, I hope she’s over 18.  I don’t need that kind of trouble.”

Peabody

“What kind of trouble?  Do you mean you are actually keeping the date to romp with her on Wednesday?”

Sorosh Saji

“Duhhh!  What do you think?  Have you seen the First Lady recently?  She’s plumping up and she is definitely letting herself go.

“Hell, she’s getting old and looking it.  I told her just last night as she was getting into her pajamas, I said, ‘Lucile Saji, you are getting to look like your old Mexican Mama more and more each day’.

“She started to curse me out so I went and got a large glass of Bourbon and sat in my study for about an hour sipping Bourbon and thinking about Tammy Tuna and the things she told me over the phone that she would do if I showed up on Wednesday.

“For a few minutes I started to feel a twinge of guilt until I looked around the room at the pictures of my predecessors on the walls and I smiled and you know what I realized Marsha?”

Peabody

“No Mr. President, what did you realize?”

Sorosh Saji

“Well I looked at the picture of Kennedy and then at the picture of Clinton and I smiled and said to myself, ‘Sorosh, that is what all outstanding Democratic Presidents do while in office, they have random sex like adolescent teenagers and generally cheat on their wives.’

“Marsha, I smiled, finished off my Bourbon and said to myself, ‘Sorosh Saji, you are in good company, go for it on Wednesday and maybe every Wednesday.  Cancel the Wednesday National Security Advisors weekly meeting and go see Tammy Tuna every Wednesday instead.  If you don’t you’ll be letting your fellow Democratic Presidents down.”

Peabody

“Thank you Mr. President for this candid look at Presidential Sexual habits.  I’m sure the millions of Americans watching this Sunday morning and the tens of millions that will see the reruns on every channel and YouTube agree that your Wednesday romps with Tammy Tuna are far more important than our national security.

There was not a sound from the producers in the background.  Marsha continued;

“This is Marsha Peabody; I’ll be back next week when we will learn just what those things were that Tammy Tuna promised the President!”

Now the producers in the background started to shout!

For more on Sorosh Saji

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